I know, Boundaries is such a popular word these days but what does it REALLY mean?!?!?!
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves in relationships. These have to be adjusted based on the person, place, and time in question. For example, what feels right with friends on the weekend might not feel appropriate with colleagues at work or within our family relationships or even if we’re out with a different friend/friend-group…
What are Boundary Styles?
Often, we as humans get into familiar patterns so there are 3 basic styles of boundaries. Read below and check in with yourself to see which style seems to fit you most. Another fact, is we can different styles in different roles in our lives! Example, we can be very rigid with our work boundaries yet too porous in our parenting, family, or social lives.
Porous Style
A person with porous boundaries struggles to say “no” to others. This allows for intimacy, but often at the cost of their own wants and needs.
Healthy Style
A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others, but they’re also open to intimacy and new experiences. This person often checks in with themselves before answering any question instead of instantly rejecting or accepting the offer without thinking about how it will impact them or other relationships in their lives.
Rigid Style
A person with rigid boundaries keeps others at a distance. This offers protection and stability, but at the cost of intimacy and new experiences. This person tends to wall-up, generally out of fear of being hurt or rejected, and in that often feels very isolated and lonely inside.
** Please note that is for information purposes only. Please book a session so we can explore your patterns, history, and relationships in full because sometimes when we are self-assessing we miss some key factors or information that a professional can help us to connect those dots or acknowledge some blind spots that we have in our own life**
If you would like to learn more about yourself and your ideal boundaries in your life, book with me https://aws-portal.owlpractice.ca/wcs/booking.
Core Boundary Types
There are so many different areas of life that we can have/set boundaries; however, some of the biggest areas of our lives are:
Physical – how you manage personal space and physical touch
Emotional – how you share and protect your feelings
Intellectual – how you express and explore thoughts and ideas
Sexual – how and with whom you express your sexuality
Material – how you use your money, assets, and possessions
Time – how you spend and structure your time
What would you add to your Core Boundary Types?
Things to consider when reflecting on your boundaries:
- Boundaries are greatly influenced by your Values and belief systems. So someone who values Family Time, probably has pretty firm boundaries around work hours, being on-call, or working overtime.
- Some cultures have very different boundary expectations. For example, some cultures consider it inappropriate to express emotions publicly, while others encourage emotional expression
- The appropriateness of boundaries depends on setting, circumstance, relationship, etc.
** Another note: This is why is it so difficult to give any boundary information without knowing your personal history, goals/wishes/desires, relationships, and over-all life circumstance. It is very important for me to get to know you deeply before we work on creating healthier boundaries for you in our work together. As I mentioned above, this is purely for information purposes only. Please book an appointment with a professional, including myself https://aws-portal.owlpractice.ca/wcs/booking, to be able learn how to set and secure boundaries that truly fit your life.
Personal Reflection Questions
These questions are purely for your own curiosity AND/OR to journal and bring into our session together.
- Think about two people in your life and describe the boundaries you have with each one. How are they similar and how are they different?
- Gentle Reminder: Personal boundaries are the rules and limits you set in relationships. These determine what’s okay and what’s not okay in your interactions with others.
- What do your work-life boundaries look like? What might you do to improve them?
- Work-life boundaries keep your work and personal lives separate so you can ditch your work persona and protect your free/family-time to be able rest.
- How do your boundaries reflect your values?
- Boundaries help you honor what’s most important to you. This one can be eye-opening sometimes we say that we value family and yet our time, energy, and resources has been going into work and family has been on the back-burner for a while… However if you value family time, you might set firm boundaries around working late so you can prioritize your family. Or if you value health, you might prioritize exercising, nutrition, etc. by spending your time and money on things that will keep your body moving, mobile, and healthy.
- What cultural differences have you noticed when it comes to your or others’ boundaries?
- Different cultures often have different boundary expectations. For example, some cultures frown upon expressing emotions publicly, while others encourage it.
- What are the benefits and costs to having porous boundaries? Think about a time when you had porous boundaries, how did you feel afterwards, and did it pay off or end up back-firing?
- Reminder about Porous Boundaries: When someone has porous boundaries, they overshare personal information, have difficulty saying “no,” and are overly concerned with the opinions of others.
- What are the benefits and costs to having rigid boundaries? Think about a time when you had rigid boundaries, how did you feel afterwards, and how did it work out relationally? Did you get your needs met, keep yourself safe, or did you feel more lonely and isolated?
- Reminder about Rigid Boundaries: When someone has rigid boundaries, they are often reluctant to ask others for help, very protective of personal information, and uncertain or overly cautious of close relationships.
Gentle Boundaries
So now that I’ve talked about all the common areas of boundaries, I will talk about the area of boundaries that I choose to specialize in… SETTING & SECURING GENTLE BOUNDARIES WITHIN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS TO CREATE SAFETY & CONNECTION FOR EVERYONE!
As I mentioned on my Welcome Page, gentle boundaries consider the whole of the relationship, not just the individual. Here’s the tricky part, I need to work with you directly to help you set gentle boundaries that feel authentic to you… Book now at https://aws-portal.owlpractice.ca/wcs/booking
Let me show you some examples of a Boundary vs a Gentle Boundary:
** Reminder, these examples are for entertainment purposes only, please seek out professional support to learn how to navigate your life situations and relationships**
Situation: Friend is texting you complaining about their partner:
Boundary – “I’m at work and can’t talk.”
Gentle Boundary – “It sounds like you’re having a really tough time right now. I would love to be able to support you but I am at work right now. Let’s set up a time to meet this weekend so you can tell me all about it.”
While both may be true – the first boundary only considers the impacts of the person at work and not the impacts of the person who is in distress over a fight with their partner. And while both boundaries are true and okay to state, the second one really protects the relationship and the safety/security of the relationship. Imagine being the one who is reaching out to a friend for help… how would you feel receiving each of the above texts?
Situation: Parent is upset that you are leaving. Setting Limits on Time
Boundary: Mom/Dad I told you that I only had one hour to visit. The hour is up and I am going!
Gentle Boundary: I hear that you aren’t ready for me to leave! I feel the same way too! Text me and we will set up another day/time to visit where I can dedicate more time to connecting with you!
Again, while both may be true – the first boundary only considers the impacts of the person trying to leave and not the impacts of the relationship as a whole. And while both boundaries are true and okay to state, the second one really protects the relationship and the safety/security of the relationship. Imagine being the one who is enjoying your time with your adult child so much and just isn’t ready for it to be over … how would you feel about each of these boundaries being stated?!?!?!
Situation: Partner wants to be intimate and you’re not in the mood
Boundary: “I’m not in the mood to be intimate tonight”
Gentle Boundary: “I am really over-touched from the kids right now, I would love a hug and to connect with you in another way, any ideas come to mind?” “Great! Let me shower and get into some comfy clothes and I would love to snuggle while we watch our favourite show!”
Again, while both may be true – the first boundary only considers the impacts of the person (which being touched out and overstimulated is a real thing!) but not the impacts of the relationship as a whole (and especially if you’re in the thick of young children, this is probably a regular occurrence which leaves your partner feeling disconnected and rejected, often…) And while both boundaries are true and okay to state, the second one really protects the relationship and the safety/security and of the relationship AND BUILDS CONNECTION. This was probably the goal of wanting to be intimate in the first place was seeking connection and closeness with you… Often a very miscommunicated area of concern for many, many couples!
As I mentioned, all of these are PURELY ENTERTAINMENT and not meant to be used for your personal experiences. For ones that you CAN USE in your personal experiences, please book directly with me at https://aws-portal.owlpractice.ca/wcs/booking.
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